Sigh...

*since there are no pictures....I thought I would write in pink...


sigh...it has been a few days and even though I think about blogging often, I just don't do it. I have a ton of pictures from this weekend at the Lemon Festival, I have 3 posts to catch up on and a ton of stories of Ashtyn's craziness...yet I just don't write. Sometimes I think it's because I put so much pressure on myself to capture every single moment of the day, I want to write about it all, document EVERYTHING. IT"S IMPOSSIBLE...I know this. Yet I find myself struggling to relive and recount every single moment, every single look Ashtyn gives, every bit of personality she exudes...I drive myself crazy with memory books, blog posts, baby books, picture taking...I sometimes wonder why can't I just live? Lately I have had a hard time remembering things and it scares me. What if I don't document and then I can't remember...and then Ashtyn's childhood is ruined (I know this is not the truth, but why do I let these lies creep in). A few nights ago I had a breakdown...Let me be very transparent here...It just all caught up with me and in a moment of complete desperation, I just let go. I write this to 1. remember what I was feeling, the emotions, and how it was overcome 2. The idea that maybe someone else is feeling like this too? I live in an ideal world and when it doesn't stack up, I can't function. I was crying over lost earrings (I really shouldn't own jewelry), insecurities( pregnancy hormones at their best), failed relationships, fear, dust on my floor ( seriously). Jeremy was in the car with me and such a blessing in my craziness. We talked, prayed, and he gave me some immediate advice to use when I was feeling overwhelmed with these thoughts... Give it to GOD! Had I ever really given any of it to Him. I live in this ideal world, where when things don't work out the way I planned it...I crumble. He said to actually say the words..."Lord, I give__________ to you and in return I ask for your peace". It's funny..I know this...I should be doing this, but I never actually say those words. This week, the first time I started to feel angry (about something silly like laundry piling up) I actually said God I give you the laundry and ask for your peace...I felt better. When I started to think about my missing wedding earring (I think about it daily and how Ashtyn will never wear them) I spoke those same words and felt an immediate release lifted off me. I am  so eager  to try to create life on my own, when I don't need to. Or should I say I am not supposed to. It is hard to fathom a love so grand that someone would take all my worries, fears, anxiety, sadness and bear it for his own. What beautiful, hardly describable love. I thank you Lord that you love me, care about me, comfort me. I am having a much better week already. I pray that if anyone who is reading this, feels lonely, lost, angry, etc. they too can find peace and joy in our Father.
I will try to post soon with some pictures and fun stuff...I just needed to get this off my chest and since this is my journal and no one really reads it..I felt safe. If you do stumble upon this and don't know Jesus, I would love to tell you more about him. Just message me....it will be the best decision you ever made. I promise!