Journal 4

China Journal October 17th, 2013

Its been awhile since I last wrote. Writng is hard. Today I am cold. The weather has chaged and it is cold. The kinda cold that chills your bones. I remember that feeling from Russia. I am nervous for winter here, although I am not sure we will even be here. 
We walked to McDolands last night. It is a 3 mile walk. I needed food, healthy food..ha! I literally feel like I am starving at times, food is just so hard to get. The grocery store is far, taxi’s don’t like big families and especially don’t like big families with bags of food. We will go shopping tomorrow and stock up the best we can…we need fruit, bread, sugar, chicken…we NEED food. 

Ashtyn is growing up so much. She is changing right before my eyes. She loves calling me mommy….finally. I was afraid she would never call me mommy. She also loves to mimic everything I do. We brushed our teeth together and she copied everythings I did, even cleaning out the sink full of our tooth paste. It made my heat melt. Things might be ugly and unstable outside our walls but inside our dorm room we still have a beautiful little family with sweet, growing kids.

 As far as china goes, I am not sure what Ashtyn thinks. I know she is overwhelmed by all the attention she gets and acts very shy around people. She is constantly saying, “China scary”, but then will also tell us she likes China. 
Graham is also growing up too fast and is saying and repeating so many words and phrases. He loves it here and all the attention and waves "hi" to everyone. He sits in his stroller, smile, talks and waves. He is sooo funny! 

Graham has been really sick the last week and a half. It has been hard. In 3 days I was actually thrown up on twice and pooped on once. I am tired. I am dirty.

Baby Matlock # 3 is doing ok. I lost about 7 pounds the first week here, which made me a little nervous. I think I have gained some back. I was able to go to a public hospital and get an ultra sound. I didn’t get to see the baby, but they told me everything looked good and on track. I was also able to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I love that sound. During the ultra sound the techs kept telling me how beautiful I was and so skinny..ha (kinda weird when you are half naked). 
The hospital was exactly what I would expect. The staff was nice, but it was sooo dirty and unsanitary and just kinda scary. My ultrasound was $15 and listening to the heartbeat cost $1.25. I guess that’s what you get living in a communist country. 
I am going to go out on a limb and say that I think this baby is a girl…I just have that feeling. In China it is against the law to announce the gender, so I don’t know…

Everything is hard. I am starting to get into a routine and that helps, but I am so lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk too. Jeremy leaves early in the morning and then works late and by the time he gets home, we eat dinner, give baths to the babes and its bed. I desperately need alone time, adult time. I need friendships and romance. I am completely going to instill date nights when we get back to the states. Once a week, even if we just sit in the car. I am excited for that. 

I like my routine. We wake up, eat breakfast, play and put graham down for a nap. I get ready and Ashtyn plays, Graham wakes up and we go outside and walk the track. We then eat lunch and take naps again this time Ashtyn and sometimes myself included. The kids wake up and Jeremy comes home about an hour later. I always have this sense of, I survived come 5:00 pm. 

You know, even though I hate it here and hate all that is going on around us, I am truly thankful for the experience. I hope it ends soon, but can see the difference it has made in my life. I know things aren’t always about me, but maybe...just maybe, something in this is. It probably isn’t, but anyhow, I am a completely different person. I am learning how to find joy in hard times. Understanding that it is NOT about our circumstances, but the decsions we make on HOW to respond. I am learning how to forgive and true forgiveness. Not to hold grudges or blame others. I am becoming extremely resourceful. I am also thinking less and less about me and WAY more about others. And ultimately I am getting to spend enourmous amounts of times with the 2 little people whom I love the most (I love Jeremy the most too). 
All I have ever wanted to be was a mom and I am getting to do that for reals 100% of my day. No down time, but how blessed am I. I can create an atmosphere in our dorm where our babies feel comfortable and safe and every day I am striving to do it better. They are depending on me, and I will provide that for them. 
As much as I am learning and as thankful as I am trying to be….this is hard. I say that a lot because I don’t know what else to say. My heart is broken and I am sad. I love going to sleep at night because I am able to dream about a differnt life. I know that might sound cynical and probably not what many would like to hear from a Godly woman, but it is true. As much as I don't want to share that, I want to remember exactly what I was feeling at these moments. It is a good thing our beds are just a boxspring cause I could easily fall into a depression and lay in bed all day. But not lying in that bed. I want to get up come 7am. Well these are my thoughts for the day. I am tired and want to try to nap before the kiddos wake up. Thank you God for another day.